The perfect way to say goodbye
by Anlgsp
Summary: "When a door closes another one opens"...sometimes fate just likes to make it all happen in one special day. A FF about the hard process of "letting go"...


_**Presbyterian Hospital – New York City – May,27 1990.**_

I was frenetically walking back and forth along the hospital hall. My wife's screams and swears were perfectly clear even if she was many feet away from me and shut into what I thought it was supposed to be a sound-proof room. Obviously it was not. Alison seemed so much in pain I had to cover my ears from time to time. I felt so useless in that moment. I knew she was doing her best in there, but by the sound of it she was going through an unbearable torture. I never expected to be that terrified when the day would come. I kept telling myself everything was going to be fine, but truth is I was literally freaking out. I was not ready to become a father, I was not prepared, or at least not enough. But then again, who could ever be well prepared to be a father? It was harder for me though, a few months earlier I was living on a tour bus, my guitar and some random girl to keep me company. And now I was married to a sweet girl, who I loved with all my heart, living in a one-room apartment, which could not be smaller than that, broke as I had never been in my whole life, and about to be a daddy. I knew I had nothing to offer to my wife and my son at the moment, but we were going to be just fine, cause we had each other to count on and as they say "money doesn't buy happiness" after all. Well…in that exact moment I didn't know I was about to be proven wrong though. I heard a familiar voice calling my name from behind, Alison's screams were still booming in the hallway. I closed my eyes, hoping that maybe what I heard was just in my mind. Then I heard that voice again and with it a soft, warm touch of an hand on my shoulder. I had no doubts anymore, she was there, she was right behind my back. I turned around trying to put on the most believable smile possible. I blinked a couple of times just to be sure my eyes were not fooling me. A huge belly was covering her skinny figure. I looked into her hazel eyes, Gosh It hurt to look at her now. I could easily find myself lost into them and I was just about to do so if she didn't speak up first. "You're the last person I expected to meet in a midwifery division." She laughed placing one hand on her belly. My eyes laid down on the giant diamond ring covering basically half of her left hand. I knew she got married, but I'd never thought the sight of a simple ring could annoy that much. I tried to get myself back together and answered sarcastically "I could say the same to you. But here you are! Who knew I would have had the pleasure to see you pregnant Lil?". She blushed a little and I realized in that instant, that maybe putting together those words was not appropriate after what happened between us. "What can I say? I've grown up." She answered looking away. I nodded, since my brain was working slower than usual and words couldn't find a way out of it. My eyes keep wandering her body. She looked beautiful as ever with her blond hair falling on her shoulder and her silky skin shining thanks to her sleeveless dress. "So? What brings you here?". She asked me trying to avoid any eye contact with me. "I….err…I'm actually about to meet my baby. The woman screaming right now is my wife." I pointed a white door on my right. Lily mouth dropped open, she was totally shocked by the news I just broke. "Wow….I mean congratulations!". Her fake smile was now irritating me more than that huge cartier on her hand. "Thanks." We looked into each other's eyes, knowing there was so much that still needed to be told, but unable to let our heart truly speak. "I….got married a couple of months after you." I didn't know what to say and I don't know why I started to give her some kind of unasked information. "Oh well….I'm very happy for you. Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?". She asked biting her lip, like she was scared the answer to that question could make her fall apart. "Yes, It's a boy." I tried to smile, but when I saw Lily's face paling I knew something was wrong. "Everything okay?" I asked, trying not to focus my attention on her hands playing nervously with a fist of hair. "Yeah….I bet you're happy to have a little boy." Lily's eyes started to sparkle, I didn't remember tears made her eyes look even more beautiful. I didn't know why she was having such a weird reaction, but I know she was trying her best to cover it all up. "I am, I surely am. What about you? When are you due in?" I was not really interesting in knowing the response, but I just couldn't cope with those eyes staring at me for another second. I needed to break that tension somehow. "I still have a couple of months ahead of me. William says it's going to be a girl by the shape of my belly, but I don't really want to know. I was just about to have my monthly checkup.". Lily rubbed her belly and smiled looking down at it. "Where's William?" The question was more than legit. "He's a doctor, you know how doctors are…always in hurry, running around." Lily attempted a smile. "Well…" I wanted to tell her I would have been there for her, every step of the way if that baby was mine, that nothing in the world could have mattered more to me than making sure my wife and my baby were fine, but who was I lying to? Alison was in a room giving birth and here I was, talking to what I had always considered the love of my life, desperately waiting for her to give me a sign that what we did was a huge mistake, that parting ways was the silliest thing we could ever think of. But reality knocked me down, once again. "I'm happy with him Rufus. He really makes me happy and just because he's not here right now, doesn't mean he's not a caring husband or father." I looked into her eyes, she looked back at me, I knew she was mad now, but it took me one single move to make her melt. My hand instinctively moved to her belly. My heart skipped a beat as I felt her hand above mine a second later. I took a deep breath. Her eyes lowered on me and mine lowered on our hands, touching. I realized in that moment how much I had missed that warm soft touch. I started asking myself if I ever stopped missing her in my life and then all of the dreams I had about her in the last months began to flood back at me. She rubbed my hand with her thumb and I felt her shiver. I looked up at her then, her eyes were filling up with tears again. People say women are more emotional during pregnancy, but I knew that woman more than I knew myself and those tears were just her way to show me she still felt the way she used to about me, about us. I brought my other hand on her cheek and brushed away a tear from her cheek bone with my thumb. I felt her face moving under my hand and her lips softly touching it. Her eyes were closed, I know she was trying to take in the more she could, to taste that moment, to breath it in. And I was there looking at her, helplessly eager to take her in my arms and run away with her. She was letting her walls down after all those months and I, on the other hand, was fighting the need to kiss away that pain we both were putting ourselves through. "Mr. Humphrey he's here. Congratulations". A nurse brought me back to the real world and I gotta admit I never hated anyone more in my life. Lily lifted her hand up and wiped a tear from her eyes. I took a step back and looked at the nurse. My son was finally born. He was there, finally. Rufus Humphrey was now a father. "Thank you." I muttered to the nurse. I looked at Lily, at my beautiful Lily, she smiled and rubbed my arm. "What are you waiting for? Go meet your baby, daddy." I smiled at her, overwhelmed by the joy of that magical moment and the need to fathom with the fact Lily was not the mother of my child. "Congratulations Rufus." I looked down, I was supposed to be happy, but I suddenly started to feel awful, I wanted to scream, to break something to pieces. I thought I lost Lily the day I got the news she and William tied the knot, but as a matter of fact I lost Lily that day. Cause that day I turned my page on her, I started writing a new chapter of my life. And that life didn't include my beautiful girl, my Lily. With a heavy heart I looked again into her eyes and thanked her. I felt my feet moving towards the nurse. And as I walked away, I heard a sob. I wanted to turn around and run after her, but I knew if I did so, I'd never go back. I was a father now, there was someone whose needs had to be put ahead of mine's….someone who had to be more important. I sighed and closed the door behind my back. As I entered the room I saw Alison laying on a bed, exhausted. Our little boy on her chest. I moved closer and leaned down to kiss her forehead. Alison lifted her face up and kissed my lips instead. I closed my eyes and tried with all my strength to fight the wish those lips belonged to Lily and not to my wife. Then I looked down at my son…he was a vision. I touched his tiny head and for the first time in my life I felt whole, like there was nothing left to care about for me. I took him in my arms and smiled. It was in that moment that I realized I needed to let her go, to say goodbye…..forever. I let a breath out and a tear dropped off my eye. "Aw, you are so cute. I cried too when they put him in my arms". Alison smiled at me. I looked at her and grinned back. "It was a perfect hello, wasn't it?" Alison giggled, she really seemed the happiest woman alive. I looked back at my son and whispered "It was the perfect way to say goodbye".

_**The end**_


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